Heartbrake

3rd May 2010

Heartbreak


So I haven't blogged for aggggeees!!! And I have a very good reason: Starboy broke up with me.

It was a complete shock to me. I really didn't know he had been feeling the way he had, I new something was going on with him that week, but I didn't think it was as serious as it turned out to be. He felt that he needed freedom and no commitment, he needed to be ready to take any opportunity that came his way, he wanted to 'fly' as some people have put it. As you know from my introductory blog, I felt the complete opposite to this. I loved living with starboy and wanted more commitment because of this. Although we love and care about each other, these two opposing views on life could not work as we get older, our careers start and really our lives start. Having had a week to think it through, I am glad he was so sensible as to confront me about it. It would have been wrong for us to be together with him feeling like that.

I am hurting and upset that it got as far as it did. We lived together and have a joint bank account, a kitten. To me we had started our lives together. It was wrong for starboy to have moved in with me, knowing that he didn't want the same kind of relationship and life as I did. It is going to take a long time for me to get over him, he means everything to me. Saying that, I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't see their life with me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and go in full throttle. What is the point of being with someone if you don't believe full heartedly that its forever?

I am now in the process of sorting my living situation out. I will be moving out of the bungalow, probably towards the end of May. I have paid Mays rent so am safe for now. The break up also shifted something in me. I have a deposit saved and have been casually thinking about buying a property but now I am deadly serious. I want to own a property that has come from my hard work, that I have decorated, that encases my belongings, that is completely mine. I need that independence. I have viewed three properties and have put an offer in on one. It is a two bed ground floor 'flat' (There is only one flat on top). It is a relatively new build, only one other owner, so is in really good shape. Another good thing is that it is a repossession, which means I can move in asap!

Every cloud has a silver lining.

I am trying to be very positive and not let this get me down. This week has been very hard, and everything I normally do has stopped: blogging, yoga, reading. I am now getting back into the swing of things. I know the bungalow is mine until I find somewhere new, I have an offer on a flat, I can do this alone. Of course I am still hurting, and find it hard to spend the night alone, but I'll get used to it. Even though there is a huge amount on my mind, I have to be strong.

So onwards and upwards,
Stargirl