4th May 2010

This is hard

I have found today really emotionally taxing, I have so much on my mind at the moment. Yesterday I was feeling so positive and upbeat, and today I just feel like braking down. I have decided to follow my own advice, which I posted on this blog, about positive thinking. Write a list of all your worries, this is the first step to fixing them. So here is my list:

1. Starboy left me. I'm feeling rather lonely and unsettled at the moment.
2. Buying a property. My offer on the flat has been accepted but after speaking to mortgage advisers its obvious that I can't afford the monthly repayments.
3. Teacher training. I have an interview on Thursday for a teacher training course. I'm worried about the interview on its own, but also because I won't be able to do the course if i get a mortgage.
4. Living at the bungalow. I'm not enjoying living at the bungalow. I know I could live by myself happily, but I wasn't supposed to live here by myself. It feels very strange.

So those are my worries at the moment. I'm not sure how to fix them. Most of them just need time, which means I will be feeling this stressed and anxious for a while. Another thing is that those worries could turn out to be really positive things. I just hate the waiting game.

I'm off to my yoga class now, hopefully that will calm me down. It normally does.

a very confused, stressed and anxious
stargirl

Heartbrake

3rd May 2010

Heartbreak


So I haven't blogged for aggggeees!!! And I have a very good reason: Starboy broke up with me.

It was a complete shock to me. I really didn't know he had been feeling the way he had, I new something was going on with him that week, but I didn't think it was as serious as it turned out to be. He felt that he needed freedom and no commitment, he needed to be ready to take any opportunity that came his way, he wanted to 'fly' as some people have put it. As you know from my introductory blog, I felt the complete opposite to this. I loved living with starboy and wanted more commitment because of this. Although we love and care about each other, these two opposing views on life could not work as we get older, our careers start and really our lives start. Having had a week to think it through, I am glad he was so sensible as to confront me about it. It would have been wrong for us to be together with him feeling like that.

I am hurting and upset that it got as far as it did. We lived together and have a joint bank account, a kitten. To me we had started our lives together. It was wrong for starboy to have moved in with me, knowing that he didn't want the same kind of relationship and life as I did. It is going to take a long time for me to get over him, he means everything to me. Saying that, I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't see their life with me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and go in full throttle. What is the point of being with someone if you don't believe full heartedly that its forever?

I am now in the process of sorting my living situation out. I will be moving out of the bungalow, probably towards the end of May. I have paid Mays rent so am safe for now. The break up also shifted something in me. I have a deposit saved and have been casually thinking about buying a property but now I am deadly serious. I want to own a property that has come from my hard work, that I have decorated, that encases my belongings, that is completely mine. I need that independence. I have viewed three properties and have put an offer in on one. It is a two bed ground floor 'flat' (There is only one flat on top). It is a relatively new build, only one other owner, so is in really good shape. Another good thing is that it is a repossession, which means I can move in asap!

Every cloud has a silver lining.

I am trying to be very positive and not let this get me down. This week has been very hard, and everything I normally do has stopped: blogging, yoga, reading. I am now getting back into the swing of things. I know the bungalow is mine until I find somewhere new, I have an offer on a flat, I can do this alone. Of course I am still hurting, and find it hard to spend the night alone, but I'll get used to it. Even though there is a huge amount on my mind, I have to be strong.

So onwards and upwards,
Stargirl

Updates

22nd April 2010

updates

Today, I just thought I would update you on a few of the issues that I have brought up in my blogs so far.

Starboy passed the security vetting for his PCSO job and has a medical on friday 20th April - next week. If he passes the medical then he will be offered the job. This is the last stage, I am so excited!!! Getting this job will change his (and mine) life completely. It's such a huge step. I will let you know how it goes.

On tuesday night I started the next term of my yoga classes. It was really good to see the instructor again, she is so kind and gentle. Because it was the beginning of a new term, you have to sign up again so new people may start. One new person started and she was really negative. She complained about past lessons, past instructors, her flexibility, everything! Yoga is such a positive, energizing movement. She put a downer on the whole class, and Im sure that Im not the only one that thought so. I will look forward to next week and am about to do a home practice. I love yoga and feel so positive and happy after practicing. I cant wait to see how flexible and strong my body and mind will become.

Since the organic post, I have been searching in all my local chemists and supermarkets for organic cosmetics. I have found a few different brands of organic cosmetics. They look, smell and feel really nice and I think that they would be just as good as the non-organic items. However, when I looked at the ingredients lists it still seemed to contain many 'chemicals'. To me an organic product should just have the plant (etc) that the product is derived from in it. Research on the internet and television has shown me that you can make cosmetics from your own back garden, you dont need the chemicals. I will carry on with my search for cosmetics and have brought some lemon essential oils in preparation for making my own surface cleaner.

I tried the mooncup for the first time this week. It wasn't as tricky to insert as I would have expected and sat very comfortably inside. I had a problem with the stem and with removing the cup. Obviously when you put the cup in it is folded, and therefore small, but when you pull it out it is full size! Was a bit uncomfortable to say the least. Saying that, I am staying positive and will try it again next month. Apparently there is a knack to it and it takes practice.

I am going to create a little schedule for myself to make sure that I am fitting in each of my five wells. I also need to begin preparing for my teacher training interview which is in 3 weeks time, so I will try and add that into the schedule as well. I will post the schedule on here if I can, to give you some inspiration.

Try and have a look at my blog interview if you can, I would really appreciate it: http://bloginterviewer.com/books/diary-of-an-average-twenty-something-hayley-smith

Take care everyone
stargirl

Blog interview

Hi everyone!

just to let you know my blog has been featured on a blog interviewing wesbite:

http://bloginterviewer.com/books/diary-of-an-average-twenty-something-hayley-smith

take a look and rate it if you have time :-)

Stargirl

Visit your five wells

19^th April 2010

Visiting the wells

At the beginning of this school year, September 2009, I attended an Inset day which was run by Jenny Mosley Consultancies. As well as discussing how to help the children become happier at school, she discussed how to help the teachers. She mentioned five ‘wells’ that every person should take note of and work on during the week. I remembered that during her talk, I found it made so much sense. As practicing yoga has recently changed my views of living, I thought I would revisit these five areas and work on how I can include them in my working week. I think the scheme could be very successful in helping everyone lead balanced lives, which is why I have decided to write about it today. These are the five areas and a brief explanation on them:

• 1. Cognitive well – reading books, watching plays, debating, planning, etc
• 2. Emotional well – fun time, friendship, family, love, expressing feelings, etc
• 3. Creative well – senses, imagination, arts, write, sing, etc
• 4. Physical well – exercise, relax, eat well and sleep well
• 5. Spiritual well – religion, meditation, nature, etc

These ‘wells’ cover every part of our lives and if we make time for each of them during the week, I think our lives will be more stable, happier, more productive and more energetic.

Thinking about my week and my daily activities I think I am already pretty balanced:

• · Gardening – emotional, creative, physical, spiritual
• · Yoga – physical, spiritual, creative
• · Read Novels – cognitive, emotional
• · Write my blog – creative, cognitive, emotional
• · Eat dinner with my partner – emotional, physical
• · My job – cognitive, emotional, creative, physical
• · Visit family - emotional

I am going to try and fit time into my week to work on each of these. I think I need to work on my cognitive, spiritual and creative wells. What wells do you need to work on to lead a more balanced and stable life?

Let me know your thoughts on this

Stargirl